Friday, September 12, 2008

My day

And know what to do with them. If you don't have the correct supplies, be able to make do with what you have. The corollary to that is "use the proper tool for the job".

And now on a totally related topic;

I have several knives. I have black tactical high speed folders which give me a small measure of street cred', and I have the more ordinary "pocket knives" that everybody should (and all good country boys do) have. I use the pocket knives much more often.

On all my knives I like sharp blades, very sharp blades. I have a sharpening wheel that makes it rather easy to obtain sharpness capable of shaving hair off the back of my arm. Remember as this story develops the phrase "razor sharp", it will be important later.

Because of some mechanical problems, I am a bit behind on my mowing. I rushed home this morning to get to work on that. When I arrived home, I found that the Brown Truck O'Happiness had left me a package yesterday, a new rifle barrel. I really wanted to open it and look at it over, but I needed to get to mowing. To top it all off, I really really needed to sit on the throne and take care of business. I decided to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

There I am, enjoying the afterglow, cutting open (actually prying at) a cardboard shipping tube with my (do you remember?) razor sharp pocket knife.

And because Murphy is a SOB and hates me personally, the knife slips and closes on my fingers. Razor sharp knives cause little pain, and serious cuts. Toilet paper is not a good first choice as a bandage. While sitting on the throne, toilet paper may be the only option, and it still sucks. There I am, pants around my ankles and unable to pull them up, holding rapidly disintegrating toilet paper on two cuts. Waddling to the sink to get the first aid kit, I manage to pull the pants to a semi-respectable gang-banger level, but I can't button them because I'm busy trying not to bleed all over the floor(and being only slightly successful).

Pulling out the first aid kit, I open it and find only bandaids. And not the big ones either, those little bitty useless ones about a 1/4 inch wide. Looking down at the dripping red mass of wet paper in my hand I decided those would not do. Looking around for something, anything to stop the bleeding I see a towel. A white towel, one of the good ones my wife bought and won't let the kids use. I reached for the towel and then stopped. I may be hurt and bleeding, but I ain't stupid. My wife would kill me if I bled on her white towels. Resuming the search, I open a door and eureka! I am saved.

Paramedic, bandage thy self!

Have you ever tried to open up a Maxi-pad with one hand? For that matter, have you ever tried to button your pants with 2 fingers wrapped in Maxi-pads?

I drove to the local volunteer fire/ambulance station to find some proper bandages. I learned that no matter how many times you have bandaged cuts and bleeding fingers, you can't do it to yourself, especially if you are right handed and cut on the right hand. And when you have blood dripping down your arm is not the time to teach the new guy BLS procedures, just sayin'.

One ugly mass if bandages and a trip to the ER later, everything is OK. I'm missing the entire pad of my right index finger down into the sub-q tissue, and have a manly (soon to be) scar on the back of my middle finger.

first aid supplies = good
TP as bandage = Bad
folding knife as a pry bar = Fail
Murphy = SOB

Mr Fixit

Edited 9/19 : Thanks to all those stopping by from Cowtown Cop's blog. I hope you stick around and read the updates.


Detail Medic said...

I don't know exactly where you live, but I'm pretty sure you can hear me laughing...can't you?!? MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! Now what would you have done if all you found was tampons?!?!?

BCFD36 said...

A buddy of mine that just retired from San Jose Fire said once "Murphy rides on every call." How true. But I didn't know he followed people into the the throne room.

D. Scruggs

BobG said...

"Now what would you have done if all you found was tampons?!?!?"

Those are for when you get shot and have to plug the bullet hole.

Tolewyn said...

I can also attest that duct and electrical work fine as butterfly sutures once you get the bleeding under control.

I just want to know how you manged to get "cleaned up" with battle damamge on the good hand.

Regina said...

I was just thinking the same thing while I was reading this tolewyn. That has got to be one of the funniest stories I've ever read. Thanks for images I know have.OMG!!!!

Matt G said...

I've had very, very poor luck with using folding knives against heavy cardboard. Even "lockblade" knives of good quality fail.

Yet that punk with his pants halfway down his butt at the local grocery store casually whips out his little cheapy box-cutter without looking and with a quick effortless stroke of his POS stainless-and-plastic abomination against the Gawd Of Quality Knives, opens box after box of heavy canned goods and the like. And never cuts himself.


Brigid said...

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Glad you're OK. . .

SpeakerTweaker said...

I'm glad you're okay.

So that I can begin laughing hysterically!!!

I can almost see the expression on your face during that moment between the Forbidden White Towels and your, uh, improvisation;)


RoaVaPD said...

Hahahaha! Great story! Murphy's a bastard. As cuts go though, be glad you're not this guy:

I am enjoying reading your blog, good stuff!

Me said...

Even the ex-police dog over here's cracking up. Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

A similar thing happened to me doing some pruning with a nice 3 bladed Buck pocketknife on my mom's azaleas. That's why my current minimum knife spec is something with a locking blade even for "pocket knife" stuff.

ravenshrike said...

Detail Medic - The answer is simple, he would have shot himself so that he could use the tampon somehow.

KD5NRH said...

Gerber makes a nice little alternative to the bulky folding boxcutters; check the sporting goods counter at WallyWorld. Mine was $10, takes standard boxcutter blades, and is a solid linerlock design in a nice thin form factor.
As a bonus, hardware stores have some good hook and linoleum blades for boxcutters, so you can convert it to whatever you need.