This is a story I can't tell. Not because I don't know the facts, I do. I am involved in this story, and some of the information I have is not public information. Just by telling the facts, I would be sharing privileged information, and announcing to the world who I am and what I did. That would be wrong.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm down.
I'm fighting a battle in which I am on the side of right, and I am almost alone. For standing up for my convictions and doing what is right, I am ridiculed. I guessed that it was happening behind my back, but now it is to the point it is happening in front of me. Snide comments are made and jokes are told just within my hearing. It's not that it makes me mad, it just starts to weaken my resolve after a while.
I so wish I could tell everyone here what is happening. Because I know my readers (the few) are a cut above the average reader. I want to point out the facts, name names and point fingers so that you folks could decide for yourselves. I truly believe that most of you, if not all, would agree with me.
But I can't.
I also don't want to give the wrong impression. I'm not standing up to radical Islam, or fighting for freedom of speech. I'm not resisting the emperor, or trying to turn my father back to the good side. Think small scale. Bigger than your home, smaller than your state. This is not an epic battle, and for me that's what makes it harder. It seems easier to join a big battle (to me) than to fight in a small one.
Another thing that makes it hard to keep fighting is that the outcome won't affect me, at least directly. It may or may not affect my children. But it will affect others.
The temptation is there. It would be so easy to quit. No one would know. No one would care, not about my stance. Why fight when I won't get anything for it? Just quit, lay down and rest. Those thoughts go through my head daily of late.
No one will know.
I won't win or loose anything.
But I will know.
No matter what I do, I will have to wake up an look in the mirror every morning and see the person and the decision I make. I will have to live with the knowledge of what I did, or didn't do. I will either have to pretend I am worthy of my own respect, or stand knowing, and wishing.
End the end, I am the only one who will know the measure of the man I am.
PS- I wrote the above over a period of hours. Reading and re-reading, arguing with myself mostly. I have made my decision, and cast away my doubts. I apologize for the lack of real content, the lack of humor and wit in today's post. (quite in the peanut gallery, I know you don't get humor and with from me often, but I do try)
"They all had dignity, a certain serenity and pride that was theirs completely. . . . They knew where they had been and what they had seen and done, and were content. Something was theirs, something within themselves that neither time passing nor man nor hard times could take from them."
— Louis L’Amour, from Education of a Wandering Man
"Do what manhood bids the do,
From none but self expect applause;
He noblest lives and noblest dies
Who makes and keeps his self-made laws."
— Sir Richard Francis Burton