Friday, July 13, 2007

The Attack

It happened while I was mowing. I should have been more alert I guess. I never saw it coming. I had my head down, watching where I was going when he jumped me.

I had just gone under a tree limb. He must have been hiding in the tree, that's all I can figure. He jumped down on me, and I only saw a blur in my peripheral vision before he was on my head. I felt him hit my sunglasses as I leaned back.

And then I saw him. He was on me. I saw his black evil eyes. He wanted to kill me.

That's what all spiders want. This particular little hairy black ninja spider was truly one of the worst I've ever seen.

I swung at him, but he was inside my arc, I missed. I quickly swung my other hand in a "slapping" style attack. I made contact, but he had by then attached his web to me, he arced away and came swinging back. He was after my face, and getting closer.

I knew I was in extreme danger, but I wasn't afraid. I knew of only one thing to do. It's a little known "combination attack" fighting style. The hairy black ninja spider was good, he was concentrating. I knew the only chance I had was to break his concentration, and attack while he was disoriented.

I used the "Combination Attack". First, I made a loud high pitched wail, similar in sound to a girls scream, but differing in length and intensity. This distracted my foe. While he was distracted, I began to run in place to further confuse him. He would think I was retreating, NO! attacking, NO! he couldn't know as I was in one spot running as if the hounds of hell were after me. While he was trying to guess where I was going, I began the Two-handed Slap-a-lot attack move. BOTH hands slapping at him, about my head and shoulders.

This lasted for less than 3 seconds, which was forever. He was knocked down into the grass. Being an honorable warrior, I let him retreat.

By the time my friend, a Sheriffs Deputy who was near, made it to my location to offer back up, the ninja spider was gone. My adrenalin was pumping and I could hardly speak. My friend saw that I was in no danger, and walked away laughing at the misfortune of the spider for choosing such an opponent.

Mr Fixit

8 comments:

Chris in SE TX said...

That was freaking FUNNY!!!!

I have never heard anyone describe a spider attack in such a funny way.

AWESOME!!!!

Ambulance Driver said...

Funniest. Post. Ever.

ROFLMAO!!!

Brandon said...

LOL, that story was a lot happier than what I was expecting with a much better ending.

tim said...

Hail fellow arachnophobe. I will bet while walking in the woods at night you never walked in to a spider's web and ran away hysterically until you hit a tree face first.

Detail Medic said...

You are never going to live that down...

BobG said...

Better get some Kevlar...

Matt G said...

A superior retelling of an epoch battle.

RoaVaPD said...

I would have been sixteen rounds lighter in the duty weapon.