Monday, February 26, 2007

Assumptions and Assomethings

My ambulance is dispatched to an OB patient. On the way there, we ask dispatch for details.

Dispatch replies: "She's a 17yo female, 4 months OB, complaining of back pain."

We arrive to find our 17 year old patient, her mother, and the patients grand-mother.

Before I go any further with the story, I must point out that the patients' mother and grand-mother obviously have been pregnant in the past. I just assume that because of that, they would know what to expect, and a little about a females body.

You know what happens when you assume.

So we start our interview, whats wrong, how long et cetera.

Our patient is complaining of low back pain for a week now. Non radiating. Like a gentle soreness. The patient is showing a bit, and can no longer wear her tight blue jeans and halter tops. She has been forced to wear maternity clothes, or worse, a dress.

I ask "So, back pain is all that's wrong?"

To which mom is quick to add "No! She keeps having to go to the bathroom, but then she just barely pees."

I look from patient to mom to grand-mom, who all have a 'what could possibly be wrong?' look on their faces.
I ask, and am told that our patient has been seeing her OB/Gyn, and everything is fine with the baby.

So, I begin to explain pregnancy. Remember when I the point I made above that would be important later? They all look at me as if this is the first time anyone they have ever known has been pregnant.
"The back pain is because you are carrying extra weight out in front, so you lean back and put a strain on your back. "

"But why does she go pee so much?"


"Because the baby is growing in the same general area as her bladder. It is taking up space so there is less to hold her urine. That's why she has to go more often."

"But she barely goes when she goes in there."

"Because her bladder gets full faster when it has less volume."

I go on to explain the pains to come, hip pain, breast tenderness etc. All the while my partner is silent as a church mouse.

Our patient declines to go to the hospital and thanks us for the explanation.

Mom asks "Is there anything else that might happen?"

Before I can answer, my partner Silent Bob nearly shouts "Yeah, she might get hemorrhoids too!"

Mom says "Hemorrhoids, what are hemorrhoids?"

Silent Bob says "A swelling around your anus."

Grand-mom blurts out "Anus, what's an anus?"

Silent Bob looks at them, looks at me, looks back at them, raises his hand and makes a circling motion with his index finger and says "You know, your asshole?"

It's all I can do to drag him out without breaking down into a laughing fit.

Mr Fixit


Maserati said...

Personal responsibility

We need more of this.

Sarge said...

And I'll lay even odds that mom and grandmom believe that young lass is still a virgin, after all, she isn't married.

BobG said...

Reminds me of when a co-worker (Al) of mine was talking to an amazingly ignorant young man in his early twenties (Bill) who had been married for several years. During a strange conversation (that I will NOT even try to reproduce), Al made mention of the foreskin, which had Bill looking confused. Jokingly, Al said "You DO know what a foreskin is, don't you?"
Bill tapped the center of his forehead.
After a couple of moments in which we were completely speechless, Al sighed and said "Bill, in your case, that's probably true."

Chris in SE TX said...

I almost started crying at work when I read this!!! Please, PLEASE, write more stories like that!!!

As an aside, those people are a prime example that some people are too stupid to have children. I'm beginning to the think some kind of licensing should be required, and if you fail the test you get sterilized for the next, say 3 years. Then you can try the class and test again!!!